You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
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Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
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I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.