I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
