I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
