I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
