I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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