every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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