I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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