I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
