I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
