you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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