The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Randomize
