Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
