You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
