Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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