It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
