i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
