I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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