These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I didn't notice because vodka
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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