dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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