How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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