you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
