Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
