Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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