i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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