just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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