For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I love you.
Bad choice
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
