My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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