this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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