I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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