Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
