i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
