this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
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