My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
