He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
