When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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