Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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