oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
you would pick up someone in the library
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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