I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Randomize
