you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
