Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
