He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
