saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
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