meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
