I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
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