Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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