So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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