How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
