a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
did i walk over a car last night?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
