Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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