Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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