a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
