i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
