If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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