I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Say something about gay babies.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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