The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
