i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
