Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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