Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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